


Elevator Days

by mechadogmarron



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Elevator/Grim Reaper Romances, First Meetings, M/M, Other, only God can judge me so don't you even try
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 09:03:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15021257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechadogmarron/pseuds/mechadogmarron
Summary: After the Legion incident, Kravitz scours the lab for any runaway ghosts. While there, he meets a very intriguing... elevator.





	Elevator Days

Kravitz groaned. Well, that could’ve gone better. He didn’t know if the bounties were good at card cheats or if he was just unlucky, but losing both the three of them and that Noelle girl wasn’t going to reflect well on him. Logically, he knew bad days happened when you’d been working for three thousand years, and at least he’d brought in Maureen, and maybe more pertinently had stopped Legion, but he still didn’t understand how one man could die sixty-some times and legitimately, honestly seem baffled by it. Especially not a guy like Merle. The elf, he had the look of a necromancer, the kind of grace and raw magical talent needed to dodge death, but a cleric? And of Pan, no less. He’d have to see if he could follow up with Pan’s folks, get some info, scope out —

No, no. It wasn’t his problem anymore. As long as the three of them could avoid further dying, it’d all be good. He could let them go on their merry way; they could stay out of his. He was almost done scoping out the lab, checking for any ghosts who had broke free of Legion or been summoned forth by the Miller boy. Soon he’d be back in the Astral, with the rest of the reapers. The Raven Queen had taken up knitting lately; perhaps he’d follow her lead and relax with some yarn.

The feeling of twisted energy struck him all of a sudden — the stink of something that wasn’t quite _right_. Necromantic energy was the usual cause, or sometimes spiritual energy; he hurried towards it, moving as quietly as he could so as not to startle his quarry. Perhaps a lost spirit, perhaps a piece of Legion. They’d know if anyone was missing from the Stockade in a few hours, but that could be too long. Yet in thousands of years of study, absolutely nothing could’ve prepared him for what he saw.

It was an elevator, clearly, and of a typical elevator size; it wore a goofy grin, showing off a cartoonish set of pearly whites. Its big bright eyes were a shiny white, its cartoon clown nose a lovely red. Through human eyes, it would have been a goofy but charming theme park attraction, but through his God-given senses he could feel its bizarre, _deeply_ alive essence, its organic nature. He could hardly reconcile what it must have been, a thin layer of cutesified steel over a fleshy mass, like a turtle inside its shell. There was something almost compelling about the idea, as horrifying as it was.

He was also fully aware that it was looking at him, though its unmoving eyes betrayed nothing.

“Well, howdy! It’s me, Upsy, your lifting friend!” The sound filtered through its — no, his — mouth, but it didn’t open; it seemed to be welded in place. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see what was inside Upsy’s maw anyways. “It’s nice to meet you! Do you need to go up? That’s my favorite direction!”

“My name’s Kravitz. I’ve come to investigate this lab.” He didn’t _think_ Upsy was technically a problem, under the letter of the law; the elevator was obviously some kind of abomination against the natural order, but so was ketchup on eggs, and Kravitz had yet to arrest anyone for breakfast crimes. “Is there anything up from here?”

“There’s the old elevator exhibit! There’s a newer, better one, but the one up from here is pretty cool too! Some of my elevator friends are there! I’m sure it’s the place for a handsome man like you if you’re trying to learn more about the lab!”

Kravitz thought for a moment, considering whether it was worth it to disclose his profession. The elevator seemed… trustworthy, somehow, like he might help out if only given the information needed. Kravitz was the sort to trust his instincts, and they’d led him to become one of the Raven Queen’s preferred reapers, but it was hard to say how accurate they could possibly be towards an elevator, even ignoring his strange fascination with the wonderful evolution technology had gone through in recent years. It was nothing like when he’d been reborn into her service.

(Being called handsome was a little disarming, too. Coming from a bounty, sure, it happened — although he couldn’t deny that the elf who had complemented him early had been _intriguing_. Coming from a talking elevator, well, that was a much weirder position.)

“I’m looking for ghosts. There was an incident, I’m not certain if you saw any of it, where some very dangerous spectral criminals escaped the Eternal Stockade. We think they’ve all been returned, but it’s better safe than sorry, and although the others are hard at work counting them all up and taking call, every second counts. Have you seen any suspicious spirits?”

“Oh, golly, what an important job! I haven’t seen any ghosties or ghoulies, but if I do, I’ll let you know right away!” Kravitz got the distinct impression that Upsy would be grinning even wider than his already near-ghastly grin, if he had the physical capacity to do so. “If you’d like, I can take you up to the old elevator museum if you want to take a look! I don’t think anyone’s been up there, and there’s a lot of elevators to hide in!”

“Yes, please do.”

He wasn’t quite sure what to expect when the metal doors opened, but the mass of slimy, pulsating flesh that awaited him was the kind of thing that literally no one could have expected. He’d been fighting the worst of the necromantic population for centuries and he’d still never seen anything like it. A mortal would’ve been horrified; Kravitz was intrigued. Upsy didn’t appear to be undead, and though his energy was distinctly unnatural it wasn’t explicitly necromantic. There didn’t really seem to be anything… _wrong_ with him, per se, but as for what magic could create such a being, Kravitz couldn’t imagine it. Perhaps something from the Plane of Thought — but he’d thought they were nonmagical.

Mind racing, he stepped inside, too caught up in his thoughts to be disturbed by the slurping, chewing sounds Upsy made. This was the kind of thing he really should follow up with the Raven Queen directly about, but he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that it could go horribly wrong. It was the kind of discomfort he’d felt in his earliest days, when he first started running into necromancers with families, necromancers with well-put-together sob stories. The feeling that he could be bringing harm to something legitimately beautiful.

The spellwork was part of it, of course, but more than whatever magic had brought the flesh-steel being to life was the caution and love with which it had been shaped. The flesh inside it didn’t slop around aimlessly; it was tightly bound to the steel, forming a proper rectangular compartment, if a classically horrific one. The fleshy nodes that formed its buttons were unlabeled, but that was fine; as soon as he pressed one, more curious than anything, Upsy let out a brilliant laugh and began to move on his own. The elevator’s innards were lit by a strange glow, not quite like anything Kravitz had ever seen, and Kravitz had seen a lot of flesh, muscle, and organs in his long and storied career.

“You’re really something. May I inquire as to who created you?”

“Mr. Roman Miller! He was a great inventor and an even better dad.” The elevator sounded almost… wistful. It wasn’t really something that Kravitz could relate to; his family was his fellow reapers, his Goddess, and he never had to fear losing them. “His work was amazing! You can see it all in the elevator museum. Of course, I’m the only flesh boy!”

“The only one, hm? Did he make other attempts, or…?”

“I think he was perfectly happy with me! He wanted to make elevators that could help everyone, but there’s only one Upsy! Lucas tried to make me a friend called Rad Upsy, but he’s only got the metal bits.”

“Is that so? That’s quite a shame. I’d love to pick the mind of someone who had worked on such technology. Forgive me for being too forward, but you’re an incredible piece of work. In all my years as a hunter, I’ve never seen an elevator like you.”

“Why, thank you! I like to think we’re all unique creations! Even though the other elevators can’t talk, they’re still my family!” There was a thud as the elevator hit the ground on the upper floor. “You know, I’ve never met anyone quite like you in my elevatoring days, either!”

“Why, thank you.” Although he didn’t know it, Upsy’s decision to forgo barfing noises as he stepped off was quite unusual for the elevator. He focused for a second, letting his senses draw information from the old elevator museum. No ghosts, not that he could feel, and there hadn’t been anyone so powerful in Legion that they could hide from his detection like that. “Is there anywhere else around here a ghost might hide? It doesn’t seem like there are any up here.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know much about ghosts! All of Lucas’s robots got smashed up during our friends from the Bureau’s save-everyone quest!”

“Ah, well. I think —” The sound of his stone of farspeech ringing distracted him from the conversation. He picked it up immediately.

“We’ve accounted for all of the Legion ghosts. Please return to base as soon as possible - we need your help cleaning up the damage.”

“Got it.” He hung up, then turned to Upsy. “I’m sorry, but I need to go. It’s been very nice getting to know you, Upsy.”

“Of course! It’s been very nice meeting you too, Kravitz!”

He wasn’t sure what the impulse was that grabbed him, but before he could stop himself he leaned forwards, pressing a gentle kiss to the sculpted lips of the elevator’s cold exterior. Though Upsy lacked the ability to move his lips to reciprocate, had no arms to wrap around him, he could feel the elevator lean closer, his energy pushing towards Kravitz in a way that felt oddly familiar — more like kissing a fellow reaper than a human, not that he hadn’t had plenty of instances for both.

Upsy didn’t care that his lips were cold; Upsy’s lips were cold too.

He pulled away with a sigh. As great as it would be to spend more time with the elevator, his job was the only thing he was actually alive for; he couldn’t exactly ignore it. “Do you have Farspeech capabilities!”

“I sure do! Lucas likes to check in on me and make sure I’m keeping everything at the lab running smoothly when I’m away! Do you want to exchange frequencies?”

“I’d like that very much.” As soon as they finished the exchange — mercifully easy, far less stressful than having to remember a 10-digit number like those rubes on the Plane of Thought — Kravitz waved goodbye, grabbing his scythe to cut a way back home. “I’ll talk to you later, then. Perhaps you can fill me in on more of your creator’s research.”

“Bye-bye, Kravitz! I love you!”

Even though he knew the elevator was likely programmed to say that to everyone, the words still brought a smile to his face.

**Author's Note:**

> FAQ:  
> Q: Why?  
> A: Only God can judge me.
> 
> Q: How did a guy like Kravitz score a total babe like Upsy?  
> A: It is a fanfiction; creative liberties were taken.


End file.
